This article explores ways we can make home a place that supports emotional restoration and builds lifelong tools for self-awareness and care.

Why might a neurodivergent child need to regulate?

Neurodivergent children often have brains that are hypervigilant to threats in their environment and may have increased sensitivity to stressors.1 They also often experience emotions more intensely than their neurotypical peers.2 Under heavy stress, the brain has less access to higher brain functions, like reasoning, learning, and emotional control.3 This can make communication and social interaction more difficult, and anxiety can rise. 4

Regulation, or calming the body and mind, helps a person reconnect with higher brain function, relax, reconnect with others, and calm sensory discomfort.5

A girl in a yellow tutu on a swing, against a pale sky.

How can we help them to regulate?

Regulation is about helping our child tune into their body’s needs and respond in ways that calm their nervous system, rather than simply suppressing emotions.

Parents and carers: the first step is to regulate our own emotions! This is essential, because if we’re stressed, it’s much harder to be loving and patient.

After school or an outing, neurodivergent children may come home carrying a heavy load of stress. It’s tempting for them and for us to jump straight into something distracting. But if we rush past the big feelings, they tend to linger in the background. Without a regulating pause, tension can stay in the body for hours. 6

Because of this, the first 10 minutes at home can be such a valuable window: stress levels might be still high and children haven’t yet settled into another activity.

At our house, when we walk in the door, we go straight for something cold and something that helps us move. Maybe it’s a slice of frozen watermelon while bouncing gently on the yoga ball. The children can choose what works for them that day so it’s predictable, but not rigid.

Work with your child to work out what works for them (some ideas are below). These strategies can be built into the routine when they arrive home, or during other high-stress moments at home.

Co-regulate

Children often regulate best when they’re not alone. Co-regulation (calming with your child) means meeting their stress with your calm presence. You might speak gently, breathe slowly (even if they are still breathing quickly, this helps), or simply stay close by.

When regulation is a shared, supportive practice, children learn that asking for help is both safe and effective. It creates a family culture of mutual care—we’re in this together.

This loving attitude is hugely beneficial for mental health and family connection7. But even more, it is beautiful for Christian families, because we are called to love as Jesus loves.

Jesus said,

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.
(John 13:34-35)

The self-sacrificial, other-person-centred love of Jesus is not only our model but also the very reason we are able to love this way (1 John 4:19). We have the privilege of working as families to show this love to each other. This isn’t the world’s way of loving, and so people will see that we are different, the disciples of Jesus. May our families and others see this love and bring praise to God!

Regulating tools and activities

Offer choices and build habits of noticing and responding to emotional needs. Children benefit most when they feel involved in the process and respected in their preferences.

You might like to offer two or three different types of tools or activities. Here are some options:

With hands:

  • Sensory sand

  • Slime or putty

  • Playdough

  • Spinning top

With mouth:

  • Blowing bubbles or pinwheels

  • Chewable necklace

  • Frozen snacks

  • Warm drinks

With nose:

  • Scratch and sniff sticker

  • Scented markers

With ears:

  • Ear muffs or noise cancelling headphones

  • Music

  • Audiobooks or podcasts

With eyes:

  • Rainbow makers

  • Flashlights

  • Kaleidescope

  • Spinning toys

With the mind:

  • Cross words

  • Puzzles

  • Making imaginary worlds in your mind

  • Making up a story together

With the body:

  • Stretches

  • Swinging in a hammock or sensory swing

  • Skipping rope

  • Kicking a ball

  • Jumping on a trampoline

  • Playing in a body sock (these are a large, fabric, stretchy bag that the child climbs in)

A red and cream pinwheel turning in soft light.

How to introduce regulation times gently

Like all new habits, this takes time. Start during calm moments when regulation isn’t needed. Build familiarity before relying on it in stressful times.

1. Collaborate

  • What would your child like to add or subtract from the list above?

  • Ask your child how different tools make them feel. If they can’t articulate it, gently reflect what you observe, for example, “I see your body relax when you swing.”

  • You might like to make a visual list of favourites using photos or icons, kept on the fridge or near the front door.

  • Let them lead—where in the home would they like to regulate? What activities would they like? What tools would help? If they’re unsure, offer two choices to reduce overwhelm.

2. Practice daily

Start by finding times when things are going well. Spend 5–10 minutes each day to practise these together. Once these it feels familiar and safe, it’ll be easier to do during high-stress moments.

Repetition is key. When emotional dysregulation is a common state for our child, emotional regulation needs to be worked at.8

It’s worth it!

All this takes time, patience, and persistence. We’re teaching them skills that are useful now and for all their life, so it’s worth working on this!

I often think of how patient God is with me. He is the perfect Father: what an incredible example of love, gentleness, and selflessness to follow as we care for those we love.

Notes

  1. Dundon, R. (2023). A Therapist’s Guide to Neurodiversity Affirming Practice with Children and Young People (1st ed.). Jessica Kingsley Publishers. P 84-85.

  2. Dundon, ibid. P 145

  3. It can help to understand that when the body senses danger, it may automatically enter a “fight, flight, or freeze” state. This response is governed by the brainstem and limbic system—areas that prioritise survival. In this state, these lower brain regions are less connected to the parts of the brain responsible for higher-order thinking. The “thinking brain” is effectively offline. This means now is not the time to rely on logic or reasoning to help a child regulate. First, support the body to feel safe, then reason can follow. Dundon, ibid. P 85

  4. Middletown Centre for Autism, M. C., & Middletown Centre for Autism. (2020). Autism and Managing Anxiety: Practical Strategies for Working with Children and Young People (1st edition). Routledge. P 27

  5. Mouton-Odum, S., & Golomb, R. G. (2021). Helping your child with sensory regulation : Skills to manage the emotional and behavioral components of your child’s sensory processing challenges. New Harbinger Publications.

  6. Buron, K. D., Grattan, A., & Wolfberg, P. (2024). An In-depth Discussion of Emotion Regulation and Autism. In Learners on the Autism Spectrum (3rd ed., Vol. 1, pp. 191–209). Routledge. P 193.

  7. Mouton-Odum, S., & Golomb, R. G., ibid. Pp125-28

  8. Buron, ibid. P 196